People say everybody goes through this period of time, when no money, no work, no job, everybody does survive. I cant help but wonder how.
I'm on the other hands living on the edge almost for the last month, with no job, no steady money comes to my bank account. well to be honest the first 3 weeks were my choice, but now since I was back to Tempe, with no news yet from any party that I'm waiting for, I'm starting to lose faith, and preparing my self for the worst case scenario "moving home". Maybe it's for the best. Maybe...

It matters TO ME!

As I stay awake at night every night, cant fall to sleep, worry sick about my future. I do wish that I could turn back to the time when I'm worry-free...
As I lay there thinking of what is the next step in life that I should take... I realized I'm done with my 2nd 5 years plan. and I dont have a next 5 years plan out yet.
I never feel this unsure about tmr like this in my life. I dont have a plan to act on, I'm living on a schedule that I cant control, i dont even know what tmr looks like.
I have a notch in my stomach that causes my stomach aches, that keeps showing up everyday.
I never feel doubt about my abilities, my life like this before. Oh well, there is always a first time for everything.

I dont like the uncertain, but with what is going on in my life right now i can say that everything is so uncertain.

I know worrying abt the future doesn't get me anywhere but i cant help but worry abt my visa, my opt, my money, jobs. Everybody says that: "oh, u got your phd everything is fine" they dont get that phd doesn't mean anything, it doesnt guarantee u a job. It's just a tittle.
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I know i dont talk abt us much, i dont show any picture of us on anywhere or talking sweet to u like any other girl, i know that i complain a lot, grumpy, and be unreasonable all the time. I know all of that, but thank u for being the only thing that staying unchanged while life throws ups and downs at me...
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I'm going back to running, despite the fact that my knees r still in pain sometimes. I just have to be extra careful so i dont end up damaging my knees more.

 

"If you miss the train I’m on, you will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles,
A hundred miles, a hundred miles,
A hundred miles, a hundred miles,
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles" 


"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

Let's move forward. Leave all the sadness behind...