Things are in my mind

I dont know how long I can take it in. I felt like it's a waiting game. I have 2 options
1. If i failed on the exam, I would lose, my self, my dream, disappoint my family, and all other people who are around me. But I would have him.
2. If I passed on the exam. I would be back on myself, my dream, but i would lose him.

Yes, it bothers me. It's in my mind everyday when he kept telling me something like: He is going home by the end of this year, or i might end up alone, or I should find another guy, or I will end up with another guy.
It bothers me when he said he would not come to tempe to visit me again. And I'm like, so how things would work?...

I'm not afraid of loneliness, but I'm scared of knowing that it's not a stable relationship...
It bothers me. I dont want another guy. I dont wanna not knowing.

Actually, it hurts me. I dont want this. I want something stable. Someone treasures me just being me. Someone that I can actually lean on.

April 11th, 2010...